What is my mother to me?
If you'd asked me this at age five I'd say, She is an expert in the art of living room swing dance She is Silver Bells on repeat all year long She is the bringer of sleep, whispering me into the world of dreams, watching me grow as the days and nights pass before me What is my mother to me? If you'd asked me this at age ten I'd say, She is delusional Monday through Friday because she thinks I'll wear a dress to school She is the postman, delivering mail to my bedroom door late nights, and early mornings She is my biggest fan; roaring over every other parent at a Saturday morning game What is my mother to me? If you'd asked me this at age fifteen I'd say, She is, perhaps, more strong-willed than even me She is relentless and yet empathetic in the midst of fighting with me She is unwavering and unwilling to give up her desire to listen and to understand me What is my mother to me? Ask me this today and I will tell you, My mother is everything and more She cannot be just one thing: She is the most beautiful combination of bravery, loneliness, fear, triumph, and strength She is your favorite food The songs you scream on the radio The sound of the ocean The sun shining across your face- She is all of the things that make you feel young again You see, I will never stop needing my mother In recent years she has become The greatest gift The strongest support The most enduring love and, The best friend I could have ever hoped for Through all of these memories and across all of this time, words will never grow into existence to describe What my mother means to me
0 Comments
Forgiveness as a funeral means
mourning the loss of a person that you used to know It means that, the way they once moved through you now ceases to exist It means that, the images that once danced in your mind resembling them have now been laid to rest It means that, the sound of their voice has become a distant echo; muffled and broken, inaudible and now different It means that, you now recognize the difference between the loss of touch and of feeling It means that, the love you once breathed is now lost from your lips, taken in vain It means that, even though it all went wrong you will stand baffled, composing a symphony of forgiveness made genuine and difficult through your own suffering Forgiveness as a funeral means that life grows through death that, though something is lost something is gained Like the flowers that will always bloom in spring despite the bitterness of the winter that precedes, Forgivness has allowed me to begin again So it's the first few days into the New Year, and I can't help but sit and reflect on the ways in which 2017 was both the most excruciating, devastating, and miserable year of my life- as well as the most impactful, developmental, and eye opening. Mid way through 2017, I was constantly being knocked down by the same circle of events; the same people, the same situations, and the same drama were constantly consuming me, because I allowed them to. 2017 turned into a year during which I grew to dislike myself and became conditioned to think the worst about every possible situation and outcome. I constantly questioned everything about my life, I had no motivation to make better decisions for myself, and I had absolutely no confidence in myself mentally or physically. I was so addicted to self-doubt that I became accepting of treatment far less than that of which I deserved. I extended every effort I had left within myself towards others, I put my best foot forward for others, and I constantly made excuses for others in the hopes that they'd accept me and fill a void I'd created within myself. I'd become so empty and so obsessed with feeling as though I was wanted and that I belonged, that I stopped seeing how desperate I'd become. I'd lost sight of the line between right and wrong; a line that should never become blurred or made thin. However, I'd accepted negligence, betrayal, lying, and disrespect as a norm. I'd convinced myself that it was something that I deserved, and that happiness and a reciprocation of honesty, love, and effort weren't things I was capable of having in my life. This can be said for each individual level of hell I went through in my last relationship (and believe me, I encountered them ALL within their entirety), but I mean this in the grand scheme. These difficulties were things I encountered in multiple aspects; not just with some guy, but with people who I genuinely believed were my friends. Going through all of that, and having severe difficulty become a constant in my life made me feel hopeless, worthless, and meaningless. I allowed all of it to consume me to a point where I was adamant on giving up on true friends, my family, myself, and my own life.
After one of the lowest and most devastating time periods of my life this summer, I really wanted to make changes in my life that would help me grow for the better. I surrounded myself with new people, I took part in new things, and I let go of old people and old habits. I started going to therapy once a week, and I fully believe that it has entirely changed my outlook on my life. I am a HUGE introvert, so talking to some complete stranger about my deepest anxieties and my self-hatred wasn't an easy thing to do; however, I knew that if I wanted to see a change in myself and in my life, I needed to do things that made me uncomfortable for the sake of understanding how to move forward and grow. Going to therapy has become something I look forward to every week, and it has completely shifted the way I view things. I've become more emotionally intelligent, more rational, and more aware of the things I should expect from myself and others. That being said, some of my favorite things I've come to learn are: 1. Perspective is EVERYTHING. Sometimes all you need to do to fix a situation is to simply shift your paradigm. My therapist told me once "never feel sorry for yourself. That's something that victims feel, and you should never be a victim to your own life". Instead of thinking: Why me- why is this happening to me- what's wrong with me, and so on, think: Why is this happening? What is this trying to show me? What can I learn and take away from this? By trying to learn and to grow POSITIVELY in every situation, you'll be better able to view it clearly, and without negative self-talk. 2. It is OKAY to be selfish. I am a severely empathetic person, and more often than not, it causes me to put other people's needs and feelings above my own. Don't get me wrong, sympathy and empathy are vital to having a good emotional connection with someone, however, don't allow it to consume you to a point where you forget about your own needs. More than that, DO NOT ever feel guilty or afraid to stand up for yourself. Demand the respect you deserve from others- if you don't, nobody else will. 3. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them. That's a famous Maya Angelou quote, for anyone who doesn't know- and it's something that my mother has drilled in my head incessantly over this past year. Again, in addition to being overly empathetic at times, I tend to focus only on the good in people. Now, I'm not saying to become a cynic or to be pessimistic all the time; see the good in others. Believe in them for it, forgive them because of it, and love them because you believe in it. However, if someone repeatedly hurts you or does wrong by you- know that that is also who they are, and proceed with caution. Remember that a tiger doesn't change its stripes. 4. Part of growing up is outgrowing old habits- including people. My therapist calls this 'Growing Pains'. I've been feeling really lonely lately, and for reasons I can't explain. I've been out of a relationship and on my own for some time now. I've grown to enjoy my independence and my solitude, and in times when there's a chance of that being jeopardized, I opt to remain alone. However, it does get hard when everyone around you is with someone else, or when you see old friends moving forward, creating new memories, and making plans without you. My fleeting senses of loneliness don't come from not being in a relationship, they come from feeling as though I've lost that sense of companionship. However, I realize that I haven't. Growing up means maturing into new things, and seeing sides to people you didn't know existed before. Becoming more mature means needing a deeper, more genuine type of friendship or relationship, and the older I get, the more okay I've become with letting a bunch of vapid, meaningless friendships go in order to recognize the one or two solid, genuine friendships I do have. Quality over quantity people. 5. Self-care, self-love, and self-recognition are CRUCIAL. I've discovered lately how much I love to take baths. Not in an 'I'm unsanitary and used to never bathe' type of way, but in a 'wow I really enjoy the serenity I have in here, and how the quiet relaxation allows me to think and reflect' type of way. Because of it, I take a bath once or twice a week. I also: do a face mask with my sister, I read a few chapters in a book I love before bed, I draw in my journal, I sing songs from the 70's at the top of my lungs, I go to the gym, and I write on my blog. I try and find time every day to do something, no matter how small, that I know will make me happy and feel good about myself. In that time, I can relax and unwind, think about myself and my feelings, and avoid getting overly anxious, stressed, or bottled up. 6. Talk to someone. Know that it's OKAY to discuss things with other people, in fact, it's healthy! Before I started going to therapy, I physically and emotionally did not know how to open up to other people about my feelings. I had a hard time even expressing myself to my own mother. But, becoming more emotionally educated and in-tune with myself has allowed me to cope with uncertainty and difficulty in a much healthier way. There was a time when I'd go missing for nights at a time, or lock myself away in my room without speaking to anyone when things went wrong. Now, I love coming home after a long day and cuddling in bed with my sister, or laying with my mom on the couch and getting everything off my chest. Talking things through is so important; life gets heavy sometimes...don't feel as though you need to bear that weight alone. There's so much that I have come to know and learn within the last year, especially in the last few months. I still have a long way to go, but I couldn't be prouder of myself for the person I am becoming. I've become more forgiving, more understanding of myself and my own emotions, more determined to believe in myself, and better equipped to deal with adverse situations. I stopped asking myself why my life had turned into what it did, and I started to think about the ways in which I could benefit from it. I've learned to let go of things and people that used to make me bitter and resentful, and I decided to stop looking for answers to things I'd never understand. Instead, I began to focus all that energy on myself, and the ways in which I can try to view situations in a more productive way. In 2017 I went from resorting to self-harm, to being suicidal, and becoming destructive to my own well-being, to learning to shift the way that I look at things. It's caused me to become more rational, more understanding, healthier, happier, and more confident in myself and the outcomes of my life. I feel strong and worthy and capable, and those are all genuine sources of fulfillment that I gave to myself on my own. That is something that I am most proud to have accomplished within this last year. It's a place I'd never thought I'd be at...especially not within the span of a few months, but I'm here, I'm still learning, and I'm excited about the ways in which it will continue to completely change my life in 2018. So, as the new year begins, I want to remember all of the things I've come to see in myself over the last few months. I want to remember them and hold them in the highest regard; expecting the most from myself and for myself, in order to make this year one of my happiest ones yet. I hope that everyone has an exciting start to this new year: make resolutions, create new memories, expect more for yourself, and don't be afraid if things go wrong. You only get to live this life once, so take it all as it comes. Choose the life you want to live and make it happen, because you can. I know we are told,
"a lion doesn't lose sleep over the opinion of sheep" but, what if I would be losing sleep anyway? Anxiety likes to keep me company and hold me tightly, just before bed and when we can't sleep, he often tells me "count sheep", but I find myself, instead, counting their opinions about me Who decides if these opinions are merely opinions anyways, I mean, you hear things about yourself for long enough and, eventually they become a part of you; becoming so empty has allowed room for the judgements of others; they now sit inside of me like bricks weighing in on my life, my thoughts, building a person to fit the mold of their descriptions Even if the resulting structure isn't truly me, at least I will be less confused as to why everyone constantly insists that it is After all, how can I claim that these others don't know me when I don't even know myself So far, I have come to learn that I am: shallow, conceited, mean, and what seems to be the crowd favorite; crazy and while you could say that I am somewhat eccentric, you cannot say that I am much of a lion at all, but rather, a mere sheep who cannot seem to settle on an opinion of herself I am not perfect I never thought I was I will never claim to be I make mistakes- massive, groundbreaking, wonderful mistakes that add a darkness to the gradient of my life, but in their midst, leave behind the stark contrast of a brightness; a goodness that defends the beauty in my trial and in my error These things do not define me; they hold my hand through each lesson, reassuring me that it is okay to be human and to fail I fear that I am letting this grip with myself go; that I am instead leaving the definition of myself in the hands of those with whom I have never spent any time: these people don't know my middle name my favorite childhood movie my biggest fears my favorite songs my best memory, or how often I cry but they, somehow, know exactly who I am without knowing the first thing about me I, too, am still trying to find the sense in it all It is an endeavor that lacks beauty, meaning, purpose and yet, here I find myself awake, wrapped up in the arms of my anxiety romanticizing the idea that there is a purpose for it all One sheep, two sheep, three sheep... Today, I have decided to love myself instead I have decided that, for too long, an empty soul has resided within me: the hollow being Today, the crows which once nested in my head have, too, decided to stop eating at my brain- depression doesn't taste as good anymore Today, my tears tasted like holy water rolling from my cheek to my lips: quenching my thirst in a cathartic release of the pain I have come to love and call my friend; I've decided that it's time to let her go Today, I slow danced with myself to the song of my life: a slow, steady, melancholy hum that, not unlike many sorrows, is not without a silver lining: like moving out of my childhood home, today I put my past into a box labeled "Miscellaneous Junk" and decided to leave it there I felt the ground under me for the first time, today; solid, firm, unwavering These are the first steps to a path, long ago paved for me by something greater than myself Today, I spoke with the sun apologizing for taking its warmth for granted for so long I exclaimed to his companion the moon that, I am, in fact worth the stars together in agreement, they lit up the sky Today, I have decided to no longer be the shadow on the ground; unwillingly bound to follow a lifeless body No, today, I am the light in the air; the wind whispering back to me, "yes, we have been waiting for you" and, "yes, you are loved" Today, I have decided that I matter: to myself, by myself, for myself Today, I have decided that I am worthwhile Today, and every day I am free I know you say,
you're afraid of being alone that maybe, if you were, the immensity of your mistakes would be able to consume you; suck you under the earth like a vat of quicksand and, in that moment, you must decide whether to use your last breath to be honest, or to beg for help maybe, you think that the skeletons in your closet would find their way out and learn to walk beside you, or that perhaps the demons from your past would crawl out from under your bed, and drag you back with them we are all still too young to grow up like a small child, kicking and screaming on the first day of Kindergarten, I cannot blame you for being immature for doing the boyish thing for fearing the deafening silence that comes with being alone I haven't always been this way, I remind myself.
I was a young girl with gapped teeth much too big for her face who, despite their rodent-like appearance- never allowed them to keep her from grinning from ear to ear except in times when she was alone in her room she hated her room hated the seclusion it created from the world: there was always so much to be done outside of the confines of those four walls; mischief to make, adventures to plan, rules to break, company to enjoy and beauty to be found Naivety and ignorance to the ways of the world aided her on her endeavors, flowing over her body like a bright red cape She was an imaginary, a visionary untouched by malice and heartache- she was an archaeologist, a detective, a sailor, a jedi, and on some days, I think she could even fly if she wanted to Eventually, she got braces she grew into her teeth and out of herself she'd given the world all of the magic she'd seen through her eyes and it rejected her saying, "it's not me, it's you" Sunlight that once danced on her shoulders now desperately peeks through her bedroom window- her only reminder that, yes, there is a world beyond those four walls and, yes, you have to wake up sometime The same girl who spent most of her afternoons mastering the art of becoming a bat; hanging upside-down on the monkey bars has now mastered the art of being relentlessly stoic You can only see the world upside-down for so long before your perspective changes I haven't always been this way I hope I won't always be What's the worst part about being an introverted extrovert?
if I could decide, I'd say the indecisiveness; not like what kind of jelly you want on your toast that morning, no, more like the kind of person you want to be that day it's difficult for you to decide which person to be, and who you hate more: yourself, or everyone else around you- but probably, it's mostly yourself what's harder than that, though, is getting out of bed every morning- excuse me, every *afternoon the sun's always much too bright through the blinds and there's always far too many steps between the bed and my front door What's hard about being a (depressed) introverted extrovert, is that you're constantly running late to the curtain call for the play that is your own life: each day a different act, projecting whatever is most suitable for the norm of whatever situation you've (regretfully) put yourself in you imagine the award you should receive, but of course never will, for the effort you put forth to appear "normal" [normal: adjective; conforming to a standard; usual, typical, or expected] it's an oscar worthy performance, I mean the play is horrible, but never too horrible for me to ever really leave And, Jesus Christ, how do the people in the audience talk and laugh and talk and laugh and talk and laugh and talk and laugh and talk and smile for so long wouldn't they rather be at home, as I would, protected by the fortress that is their bedsheets You see, what's hard about being a (depressed) introverted extrovert is that, you have to pretend to not feel uncomfortable when your friends would rather "kill themselves" than study for their Biology Exam because, that's a joke you'd tell yourself every day- but only if you weren't kidding The problem with being an introverted extrovert is that, somewhere inside of you there is a version of yourself who, not unlike a small dog left for too long in its cage, is crying to be let out- crying and wonderfully terrified to make themselves known and, to be vulnerable But then again, you've done that, haven't you there is a half of you that has been burned by the devils here on earth this half of you understands that it's better to keep what sense of self you have left than to allow that too, to be turned to ash by those same flames So, you see, the problem with being an introverted extrovert, is deciding which version of yourself you're less afraid to offer- and potentially lose to the world Here's an open letter, to anyone who has ever felt like you're not enough. To anyone who has ever fought to keep something that wasn't meant to be kept. To anyone who is too insecure to see their own self worth. To anyone who believes that they are the problem, and refuses to believe that they deserve more. Here's an open letter to remind you that you're not alone, but that you are worth more than the sum of your mistakes. To remind you that you're not crazy for knowing what you deserve. To remind you that it is okay to let go of something that is no longer making you happy.
I know that so many of the things that I write are all inspired by the same thing; love. But, it's hard to feel as though I've fully articulated all of the different things that it can make you feel. Whether that love comes from family, a close friend, or a significant other, the effects of love changes you. Sometimes for the better, and sometimes for the worse. However, with that being said, you should never lose sight of the person that you are, and the things that you deserve. It is never okay to allow someone else to determine what can and cannot make you happy. It is never okay for someone to treat you as though your feelings don't matter. It is never okay for someone to lack patience for you when you need it most. It is never okay for someone to make you feel crazy for demanding the respect that you know you deserve. Believe me, it has taken me nearly three years to learn this for myself. I am nowhere near perfect, and I know that. I have made more mistakes than I can say, and I have done many things that I regret. I used to hate myself, and hold myself in contempt. I thought that every negative thing that someone said about me had to be true, and that there was no reason to believe that I could be worth more than my failures. It took me a very long time to accept myself and all the mistakes that I've made. But, I did, and I know now that I am worth more than my shortcomings. I am worth more than my flaws. There is so much about myself that I have to be happy about, and that revelation is not something that I want to lose sight of. For a long time, I forgot how to find my own happiness. I began to rely on someone else for that. It was like a drug, I became addicted to the high I felt when I was with him, and felt a withdrawal from his presence when he was gone. I put my self worth into his hands, and believed every negative thing he ever said about me. I let him believe that I was asking for too much, when all I wanted was someone to care about me. I let him make me feel crazy, when all I wanted was to be enough for him, alone. I began to sink into this deep, dark hole of depression, and everything that I had once loved about myself fell in, too, leaving me with nothing except whatever visions of me he had created. But, with each passing day, I am learning to forgive myself; to love myself, to understand myself. And, no matter where your struggles are, you should know that you should love yourself too. You are worth more than your mistakes. You are worth more than your imperfections. You are worth more than just a phone call at two in the morning. You are worth more than being someone else's property. You are worth more than being something to fall back on. You are special in more ways than you know. You are worth everything you feel that you deserve. Don't ever do yourself the injustice of believing otherwise. So, whether this was an open letter to myself, because I needed to write it to believe it; or an open letter to someone else who needed to hear these words, I hope that it brought you some sort of understanding. Never forget to remember who you are. Never forget to remember that it is okay to know what you want. Never forget to remember that you deserve to get it. |
|